Something for Worship Leaders

 Considering how often the choruses and bridges of Christian Contemporary Worship music get repeated, I suggest that worship leaders have a Rosary to count those repetitions.

I'm only half-joking here. How can we Evangelicals criticize the Rosary for being repetitive when we do the same thing with our praise choruses?

ANFSTD

A penguin walks into a bar.  "What will you have?", asks the bartender.  "Well," says the penguin, "I have to go through leopard seal territory several times a day, so I'll have a Canadian Club."

ANFSTD

Three teenagers are in Juvenile Court.  The judge asks the first boy what happened.  The boy replies, "All I did your Honor was break a window, steal a bike, and throw peanuts in the lake."  The second boy says, "All I did your Honor was break a window, steal a bike, and throw peanuts in the lake."  The third boy says, "And all I did your Honor was break a window and steal a bike."  "Did you throw peanuts in the lake?", asks the judge.  The boy replies, "I'm Peanuts."

ANFSTF

A Martian goes to a car dealership.  He says to the salesman, "I want the body green, the seats green, the steering wheel green, and the windows tinted green."  "Okay," says the salesman.  The Martian takes the car home and shows his wife.  "It's lovely," she says, "But what's with the color?".  "Flesh tones," says the Martian. 

ANFSTD

George and Barbara go on their honeymoon to the Twin Cities and afterward Barbara gives birth to twins.  They go see the movie Three Coins in the Fountain and Barbara gives birth to triplets.  They vacation in the Four Corners and Barbara gives birth to quadruplets, and George divorces her after she suggests that they go visit the Thousand Islands. 

ANFSTD

An astronaut gets a briefing on his mission.  "Your mission," says his superior, "is to go to the sun."  "But that's impossible," says the astronaut, "the heat will be too strong."  His superior says, "That's why you're going at night." 

ANFSTD

A penguin walks into a bar.  "What will you have?", asks the bartender.  "A Canadian Club," says the penguin, "I have to go through Leopard Seal territory several times a day!"

ANFSTD

Two hydrogen atoms collide.  The first one asks the other, "Are you okay?".  The second one says, "No, I'm afraid I lost an electron."  "Really," says the first, "Are you sure?".  "Of course," says the second, "I'm positive." 

MARRIAGE ALA MODE: When Paintings Skewer Frivolity

I have been unable to put down this huge tome about the works of William Hogarth, an artist from the mid-18th Century.  He is most famous for his satirical pieces and his progresses (series of engraving and/or paintings that usually depict someone's downward spiral towards destruction).  
       Perhaps his most famous work is Marriage ala Mode.  This famous progress tears into arranged marriages.  Now arranged marriages are not bad in of themselves, but in Hogarth's day the wealthy tended arrange marriages based on money alone.  There were no questions asked about the compatibility of the couple so long as there was plenty of money.  Typically, an arrangement like this led to trouble.  
       There is a lot of detail in Hogarth's progress.  I cannot go into all of them, but I can give a summary of the scene and explain a few of the details involved.  
    

The first tableau shows the signing of the marriage contract in the Earl of Squanderfield's luxurious home.  As you can see, there's trouble from the start.  The marriage is being conducted as little more than a business deal between two avaricious men.  The Earl is bankrupt after having spent his money on a fancy new house and is in serious need of some cash.  He has arranged for his son the Viscount (seated at the far left) to marry the daughter of the rich-but-miserly alderman.  Neither the bride or the groom has any real interest in each other.  Also, the bride's dismay is soothed by Silvertounge the barrister.  And the Viscount has a black beauty patch on his neck, which in Hogarth's works indicates syphilis.  
         The paintings on the wall are primarily scenes of suffering and martyrdom from the Bible and Ancient Greco-Roman mythology.  The exceptions are a large, ridiculous portrait of the Earl, and a horrified Head of Medusa about the heads of the young couple.  The mutual disinterest between the Viscount and the alderman's daughter is mirrored in the two chained dogs in the bottom left corner.  The Earl reclines, pointing to a family tree dating all the way back to William the Conqueror.  The alderman pours over the contract while a lawyer overseas the transaction. 

The second tableau takes place either at 1:30 am or 1:30 pm (it's damning no matter how you slice it).  Already the marriage is falling apart and it is clear that the couple has spent the night indulging themselves.  The Viscount is hung-over after a night with his mistress while a dog eagerly sniffs the nightcap in his pocket.  His sword is broken indicating impotence and a fight with the watch.  The Viscountess on the other hand seems quite pleased with herself after a night of adulterous sex.  The house is in disarray and the fuming steward walks out of the room with a stack of unpaid bills.  
        Portraits of the Twelve Apostles adorn the walls of the dining room, as well as a painting so scandalous it has to be covered by a green curtain.  On the mantelpiece is a curious array of Buddha figures, statuettes, and glassware, with a Roman bust towering above them.  There is an overturned chair in front of the Steward.  This is a device that Hogarth used to indicate disharmony and discord.  This same symbol appears two more times in Marriage ala Mode.

The third tableau has the Viscount visiting a particularly ugly-looking quack.  He is holding out a container of mercury pills, which in those days was used to treat syphilis.  There are two prostitutes on either side of the Viscount, one of them giving him a death-glare, the other crying as she dabs sore on her lip.  
      All around the room are disgusting images; a skeleton leans suggestively on a mummy.  There is rigging that looks for all the world like a gallows. An embalmed head, a wolf's head, a narwhal tusk, an ostrich egg, and a wig on a plaster head are also visible.  Both the Viscount and the angry prostitute sport black patches.  


In the forth tableau the old Earl has died and his son is now the Earl of Squanderfield. So his wife is now the Countess.  She is holding a reception in her bedchamber during her morning levee.  She has been carrying on an affair with Silvertounge since the start and is completely absorbed with him.  A little black slave in Moorish dress points to a figure with the horns of Actaeon, long a symbol of cuckoldry.  The guests are some the most ridiculous stereotypes of fops and hangers-on.  
       Silvertounge points to a screen depicting an upcoming masquerade ball, he has the tickets already with him.  The paintings on the wall carry licentious innuendoes; behind the head of a curl-papered fop* is The Rape of Ganymede, and above that is a portrait of Silvertounge.  The other two are Jupiter and Io and Lot and his Daughters.  On the couch next to Silvertounge is a copy of the pornographic novel La Sofa by Crébillon. 

In the fifth tableau everything comes crashing down.  The Countess and Silvertounge have retired to a room at an inn after a masquerade ball to have sex.  The Earl has discovered them together, and Silvertounge has fatally stabbed him.  The Countess begs her husband for forgiveness.  Meanwhile Silvertounge escapes through the window as the innkeeper rushes in with the watch.  
       On the floor are the crumpled costumes of a monk and nun along with two masks.  A fresco painting of the Judgement of Solomon is obscured by an erotic portrait of a shepherdess.  Above the door (much more visible in the engraving) is a picture of St. Luke, author of the third of the Four Gospels and the Patron Saint of doctors. 

The sixth tableau depicts the final consequences of the whole deal.  After reading the account of Silvertounge's execution at Tyburn, the Countess has poisoned herself.  She has ended her days in her miserly father's barely-furnished house and in poverty.  The doctor shakes the servant who gave the Countess the laudanum, and the Alderman eases the wedding ring off his daughter's limp finger.  A maid has brought in the child** to kiss the mother's corpse one last time, but the child has leg irons and a black patch.  This means that the disease has been passed on to the next generation. 
     The spartan parlor of the Alderman's house is a stark contrast to the Earl's luxuriously decorated house from the first scene.  The paintings here include a man relieving himself against a wall, a still life depicting a pile of dirty dishes, and a woman lighting a pipe on a man's nose.  The meager meal of a half a pig's head is about to be carried off by a starving dog. The upturned chair means that there is discord.

Hogarth's masterpiece is both satire and tragedy.  The story is about the downward spiral of the marriage of convenience from the signing of the marriage contract to the deaths of the young Earl and his Countess.  But at the same time it is a parody.  The rooms are exaggerated and even a little distorted.  With the possible exception of the nurse and child in the final scene, everyone in Marriage ala Mode is a caricature and meant to look ridiculous.  The details such is the guilt-framed paintings, the collected antiques, the ornate mansion shown incomplete outside the window in the first tableau, all of them are designed to mock the elite culture of idleness, frivolity, and acquisition. 

I enjoy a lot of Hogarth's work, but this one my favorite.   
__________________________________________________________________________
 * There are some who suggest that the fop with curl-papers is none other than the Earl himself.  If that is the case, then the curl-papers do double-duty as a symbol of the horns of the cuckold.  The Earl is right there in the room watching his wife commit adultery. 

** It is a little hard to tell if the child is a boy or a girl.  Most sources say a girl, but in the 18th Century both boys and girls were typically portrayed with cherubic faces and long(ish) hair.  Also, boys wore dresses like girls did until around the age three or four when they would be switched to wearing short pants.  If the child is a girl, then even if she makes it to adulthood she does not stand a chance to inherit anything because of the customs of the day.  If the child is a boy, then his chances of inheriting are stymied due to his disease.  He will most likely die before he reaches adulthood.  Either way the inheritance is lost. 
________________________________________________________________________
Pictures found on Wikipedia

Victorian Anime

Well if this wasn't the most curious production of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado or The Town of Titipu I've ever seen!  The Madison Savoyards gave the classic operetta an Anime-style spin, complete with colorful and spiky hair and schoolgirls who look like they stepped out of Sailor Moon. 

I cannot give a detailed synopsis given the farcical plot-line, but I can do this:  Nanki-Poo, the disguised son of the Mikado of Japan, is in love with the schoolgirl Yum-Yum.  She however, is engaged to her guardian Ko-Ko, a tailor and ex-convict who is now Lord High Executioner of the city of Titipu.  And Nanki-Poo is pursued by the much older woman Katisha, who mistook his politeness for affection.  On top of that, Ko-Ko is in a fix because he can't execute anyone until he's cut off his own head.  And to make matters worse, the Mikado himeself is coming and, since no executions have taken place in Titipu for a year, will demote Titipu to the status of a village if a beheading does not take place within a month (your head may now explode).  Suffice it to say hilarity ensues, loves wins out in the end, and Ko-Ko gets stuck with a cougar.  

I can go on about all the singers in all the various roles, but I think no one stood out more than Ko-Ko.  The baritone who portrayed him (who also did Major General Stanley in The Pirates of Penzance three years ago), made him look so much younger than usual.  Ko-Ko was originally conceived as a middle-aged fellow who wants to marry a young wife.  Here, he's a highly attractive twenty-something jock-type, complete with an outfit reminiscent of Goku in Dragon Ball Z, and an almost constant pout on his face.  This made his wooing of the elderly Katisha in Act 2 all the more hilarious.  
        Heck, I can't even talk about the characters; the costumes totally stole the show for me.  The women's chorus with colorful hair and miniskirts, the Mikado wearing a robe and headdress modeled off of a squid, Pooh-Bah's ridiculously long epaulettes that the schoolgirls play limbo under, and Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo carrying backpacks with Anime logos on them as they leave for their honeymoon.  Oh, and I can't forget Katisha's kimono that was a patched-together concoction of ridiculousness.  Oh boy, I could go on forever about it.  

The singing was great, but once again there was serious shortage of men of the chorus.  What's up with that?  The Mikado is such a well-known opera; why only a sextet of men?  That's three years in a row this has happened!  

This opera is a must-see.  

And Now For Something Totally Different: Chuck Norris Edition

There are no steroids in baseball; just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.  

Chuck Norris doesn't divide by zero — Zero divides by Chuck Norris.

Before the Boogieman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.  

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter; he roundhouse-kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Bruce Lee was the only person in the world who could defeat Chuck Norris.  Now that Bruce is dead, Chuck Norris is invincible.*

Superman and Chuck Norris once made a bet.  The loser had to wear his undies on the outside for the rest his career.  Guess who won?  

Superman owns a set of Chuck Norris pajamas.  

They tried to put Chuck Norris on Mt. Rushmore, but the granite wasn't strong enough for his beard.  

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he doesn't push himself up; he pushes the world down.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a viper.  After hours of searing agony, the viper died.  

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*My own original Chuck Norris joke.  

ANFSTD (And Now For Somthing Totally Different)

Three youths are on trial for theft.  The first one says to the judge, "All I did your honor, was smash a window, steal someone's bike, and throw peanuts in the lake."  The second one says, "All I did was break a window, steal a bike and throw peanuts in the lake."  The third one says, "All I did was smash a window and steal a bike."  "Did you throw peanuts in the lake?", asks the judge.  The kid replies, "I'm Peanuts." 

Philosophers In The Coffee Shop

I still don't get some of the jokes in this one.  Just because I took Intro to Philosophy last year doesn't mean I know much about these guys.  But I do get some of the others.  I wonder if the instructor for that class has seen this at all. 

ANSFTD

Two hydrogen atoms collide.  One asks the other, "Are you okay?".  The second one says, "No, I'm afraid I lost an electron."  "Really," says the first one, "are you sure?"  "Of course," says the other one, "I'm positive." 

ANFSTD

A man walks up to friend and asks, "Did you leave home today?".  "Yes, I left home," says his friend.  "Did you put the cat out?" asks the first guy.  And the second guy says, "I didn't know he was on fire!". 

ANFSTD

A customer in a restaurant complains that the apple pie is worst he's ever tasted.  "What does it taste like?", asks the waiter.  "Glue," says the customer.  "Oh, that's the pumpkin pie," says the waiter, "The apple pie tastes like mud." 

ANFSTD

A Martian goes a to a car dealership.  "I want the exterior green, the interior green, and the windows tinted green," he says.  "All right," says the salesman.  The Martian buys the car and takes it home with him.  When he shows it to his wife she says, "I like it, but why that particular color?".  "Flesh tones," he replies. 

ANFSTD

A man is sitting in a restaurant and he hears someone say to him, "Hey, that's a nice tie you got there!".  The man starts, looks around and sees nobody talking to him, so he brushes it off.  A few minutes later, he hears a voice again, this time saying, "I love your jacket!".  The man looks around again and sees no one speaking to him.  Still later he hears yet another voice saying to him, "I like your hair!".  The man is so sure that he is hallucinating by this point.  So he turns to the waiter and asks him, "Who keeps talking to me?".  "Oh," the waiter says, "it's the peanuts.  They're complimentary." 

ANFSTD

A blonde Unitarian lawyer walks into a bar to change a light bulb.  "Please," says the bartender, "make up your mind what kind of a joke this is!". 

ANFSTD

A priest doing a baptism for an infant says to the parents, "Name this child."  "Pindonim," the mother says.  "That's a weird name," says the priest.  "No," says the mother.  "We want 'Albert'.  It's 'pindonim' with a safety pin."