Saturday, July 10, 2021

Busted!

Night guard Lance Lewis paced slowly through the halls of the museum, shining his flashlight in the darkness. Anyone who asked him what he thought of his job, he’d say it was dull but paid well. The only real excitement he’d seen during his time as a night guard meant either spotting exposed wires or pieces that needed serious repair. Tonight, however, would be different.

The museum’s crowning attraction was the world’s largest confirmed emerald. It was a three by five inch rectangle, kept in the Hall of Gems in the geology wing of the museum inside a glass display case in the center of the room. The emerald rested upon a white velvet cushion on top of a marble pedestal. Valued at nearly four million, it was bound to attract unwanted attention. 

At around 1:30 am, Lance thought he heard the sound of breaking glass as he entered the geology wing. He quickened his step a little, shining his light ahead as he passed by prehistoric skeletons and various dioramas. He heard a voice muttering as he neared the Hall of Gems. A soft thud, and then a yelp betrayed the presence of an intruder. Lance rushed inside the exhibit, his flashlight revealing everything that had transpired.


Broken glass from the center case was scattered across the floor, the vacant cushion lay askew on the pedestal. A man of roughly thirty-six hopped up and down grabbing his foot, the emerald on the carpeted floor in front of him. He froze when he saw Lance. 


After talking to the police, showing them the crime scene, and seeing the thief arrested, Lance surveyed the damage from behind the yellow tape barrier. He’d have to report this to the administration and the curator, and the case would cost a lot of money to replace. The emerald itself was surprisingly unharmed, for a notoriously brittle gem. Lance sighed in relief, at least it was safe. It would be a nightmare to replace it if it had broken, let alone the bad press.

Thursday, July 8, 2021

Mordecai on His Parade

Well, that was interesting. I’d been in mourning clothes since that decree went out, and what happens to me? The king’s eunuchs dress me in royal robes and put a crown on my head. Then the same man who ordered our destruction, puts me on the king’s horse and parades me through the entire city shouting, “Thus shall it be done for the man in whom the king delights!”. This is both a great honor and utterly confusing. Though it was satisfying seeing the enemy so nonplussed. 


Ah well, it’s back to business then. Hopefully some good news will come my way. 

Tuesday, March 23, 2021

Palace Gossip

 “I ran into Tobias, the kitchen boy, earlier this evening. He looked nervous.”

“Tobias is always nervous, Nathaniel. His first day, he shook so hard he nearly dropped the roast pheasant.”


“Well, then he’s more nervous than usual. It’s his turn to take food up to the king.”


“Oh, I see.”


“Joash, I don’t know what’s come over the king, but…”


“He disobeyed God during the Amalekite campaign, you know that.”


“Well, yes, but still, this is getting out of hand. Tobias said that last night, one of the other kitchen boys—I think his name’s Caleb—let slip some remark about David and got a facefull of lamb stew.” 


“Is he alright?”


“I think so, though Tobias said the guy won’t come out of his quarters. There may be two holed up in there by tomorrow.”


“I don’t blame him. Normally I’d say he’s just shirking, but with the king going mad lately, I’m inclined to be generous.”


“Rebekah said two more servants quit yesterday.”


“That makes, what, five this week?” 


“Six, if you count that one missing guard.”


“He’s dead, remember? He got drunk and fell from a window.” 


“Oh, right.”


“Joash, Nathaniel, are you in?”


“Yes, Reuben. What is it?”


“Do you have the totals for this storeroom?”


“They’re right here.”


“Thank you, Joash. Hey, uh, did either of you see Leah, the washerwoman?”


“No, why?”


“I heard the king tried to strangle her.”


“Who told you that?”


“Abigail, one of the serving maids.”


“I wouldn’t trust her if I were you. I know the king’s off his head, but Abigail’s known to twist words around.”


“So, she lied about Tobias getting a black eye?”


Saturday, March 20, 2021

Tuesday, February 16, 2021

Sennacherib Survivor

 We were unstoppable, we’d beaten the other nations like it was nothing. Oh, how we’d taunt them and their gods. That was our best weapon, making them feel like their gods had abandoned them. And we proved it too, we left nothing behind that wasn’t nailed down.


But then we got to Jerusalem. As usual King Sennacherib sent his best officers to taunt the Israelites and their God. It was a good taunt too, and it was effective before, so surely it would work now, right? You’d think. 


Apparently someone didn’t tell us that we were dealing with a very different God. He did not take too kindly to all the insults we threw at Him. I still don’t know what the @#$% happened, but I woke up the next morning to find my whole squad dead, along with at least several thousand other guys who just sort of died for no good reason. There was no choice but to bust out of there with what remained of our army. 


Sunday, January 31, 2021

The Frog

There once was an angry young frog,
Whose rival had taken his log.
So he took a large stick
That was five inches thick,
And whacked his foe into the bog.

Saturday, January 16, 2021

Drunken Dieties

A little something inspired by the story of the Ten Plagues.


“BARKEEP! ANOTHER ROUND!”

“Mr. Ra, that’s your eighth one tonight!”


“Just give me another one! And where is Horus?”


(Barkeep pours a drink, Ra takes a sip and begins to yell, his burnt-out sun and cobra hat half-off his head.)


“Don’t ask me where Horus is, sir. I don’t know.”


“I wasn’t asking you.”


“Either way, I don’t know.”


(Sekhmet walks in trying to look inconspicuous)

       

“Lion Face, where’s Horus?”


(Sekhmet ignores him and sits down at the far end, which annoys Ra, who takes a sip from his drink.)


“Barkeep, Scotch-on-the-Rocks, will you.”


“Yes, ma’am.”


(Barkeep gives Sekhmet the drink, she takes a sip.)


“Lion Face, have you seen Horus?”


“&#$@ off!”


“You dare speak to me like that?”


“Mr. Ra, don’t bother.”


“Why not, Barkeep?”


“It’s not worth it.”


“Lion Face, where is Horus? He’s not at his post.”


“Don’t call me Lion Face, Beaky Boy!”


“What!?!?”


(Ra’s sun disk hat falls off his head and crashes to the ground. The cobra freaks out and makes a fast exit. Barkeep is startled.)


“Bouncer, kill that thing, will you!”


“Yes sir!”


“What are you doing? That snake is my protector!”


“If he protects you, why did he leave?”


“You moron!”


“Mr. Ra, that’s enough.”


(Ra sits down and takes another swig of whiskey.)


“Lion Face, where is Horus? I need to talk to him, he’s not at his post.”


“I’ve been helping Imhotep treat Set’s bruises for months already, stupid hail.”


“I need to know.”


“Go find him yourself!”


“Don’t ever speak to me like that!”


“Don’t you call me Lion Face.”


“Listen, if you tell me where Horus is, I’ll let you off the hook for being out of control all year.”


(Sekhmet downs another swig of her drink.)


“Alright, I’ll tell you. He’s filling in for Osiris.”


“He’s WHAAAAAT!?!?!”


You’d get a migraine too if you had to judge so many firstborn souls. Isis is spending all her time taking care of him. Anubis has his hands full dealing with natron shortages and embalmer strikes, and most of the other gods are tied with their own problems at present. &#%$, Nut had to fill in for Hapi yesterday because Hapi was still a bloody mess!”


“INCOMPETANT DOGS!” 


“Oh, and Ammut stopped eating.”


“AAAAAUUGHH! YOU LAZY BUNCH OF….!!!!!”


“Bouncer, get Mr. Ra out of here, please!”


“Yes sir!”


“What are you doing? I’m the king of the gods!”


“Yeah right, tell that to Him!”


(Ra is dragged to the door where he is ejected by the swift application of a hard boot to the rear.)