The Frog

There once was an angry young frog,

Whose rival had taken his log.

So he took a large stick

That was five inches thick,

And whacked his foe into the bog.

Drunken Dieties

A little something inspired by the story of the Ten Plagues.

UPDATE: Edited on 4/18.

(The Scene: A bar.  The Barkeep, an old man, stands behind the bar center left, the Bouncer stands stage right at the entrance. Several strange patrons sit at the tables. Ra, the Egyptian sun god, sits sullenly at the bar, his burnt-out sun and cobra hat half-off his head.)

RA: BARKEEP! ANOTHER ROUND!

BARKEEP: Mr. Ra, that’s your eighth one tonight!

RA: Just give me another one! And where is Horus?

(Barkeep pours a drink, Ra takes a sip and begins to yell.)

BARKEEP: Don’t ask me where Horus is, sir. I don’t know.

RA: I wasn’t asking you.

BARKEEP: Either way, I don’t know.

(Sekhmet, lion-headed goddess of destruction, walks in trying to look inconspicuous)

       

RA: Lion Face, where’s Horus?

(Sekhmet ignores him and sits down at the far end, much to Ra’s annoyance, who takes a sip from his drink.)

SEKHMET: Barkeep, Scotch-on-the-Rocks, will you?

BARKEEP: Yes, ma’am.

(Barkeep gives Sekhmet the drink, she takes a sip.)

RA: Lion Face, have you seen Horus?

SEKHMET: Screw off!

RA: You dare speak to me like that?

BARKEEP: Mr. Ra, don’t bother.

RA: Why not?

BARKEEP: It’s not worth it.

RA: Lion Face, I said, where is Horus? He’s not at his post.

SEKHMET: Don’t call me Lion Face, Beaky Boy!

RA: What!?!?

(Ra’s sun disk hat falls off his head and crashes to the ground. The cobra freaks out and makes a fast exit. Barkeep is startled.)

BARKEEP: Somebody kill that thing! Quick!

BOUNCER: Yes sir!

RA: No! What are you doing? That snake is my protector!

(Bouncer crushes the cobra under his boot.)

BOUNCER: Some protector! Slithering off like the snake he is.

RA: You moron!

BARKEEP: Mr. Ra, that’s enough.

(Ra sits down and takes another swig of whiskey.)

RA: Lion Face, why won’t you tell me where Horus is? I need to talk to him, he’s not at his post.

SEKHMET: I’ve been helping Imhotep treat Set’s injuries for months already, stupid hail.

RA: Where is Horus? I need to know.

SEKHMET: Go find him yourself!

RA: Don’t ever speak to me like that!

SEKHMET: Don’t you call me Lion Face.

(Ra gets up from his seat and walks over to Sekhmet.)

RA: Listen, if you tell me where Horus is, I’ll let you off the hook for being out of control all year.

(Sekhmet downs another swig of her drink.) 

SEKHMET: Alright, fine. He’s filling in for Osiris.

RA: He’s WHAAAAAT!?!?!

SEKHMET: You’d get a migraine too if you had to judge so many firstborn souls. Isis is spending all her time taking care of him. Anubis has his hands full dealing with natron shortages and embalmer strikes, and most of the other gods are tied up with their own problems at present. Hell, Nut had to fill in for Hapi yesterday because Hapi was still a bloody mess!

RA: OH, THOSE INCOMPETENT DOGS! WHAT THE HELL IS THE PANTHEON COMING TO?!!

SEKHMET: Oh, and Ammut stopped eating.

RA: AAAAAUUGHH! YOU LAZY BUNCH OF….!!!!!

BARKEEP: Bouncer, get Mr. Ra out of here, please!

BOUNCER: Right! (Marches up to Ra and grabs him by the arm) Come on, you! Let’s go!

RA: What?! What are you doing? You can’t do this to me! I’m the king of the gods!

BOUNCER: “King of the gods.” Yeah, right! Tell that to Him! Now get outta here!

(Ra is dragged to the door where he is ejected by the swift application of a hard boot to the rear.)